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“Come on, sweetie! We’ve got to get into the car to make it to Joey’s birthday. We’re going to be late.”

“NOOOOO! I want more playtime!” In rolls in the dreaded toddler tamtrum. Full-blown screaming, kicking, hitting and crying. You immediately feel your heart start racing, the heat building up into your chest and neck. You have two choices here, two choices that are going to determine how the tone of the rest of the day goes.

Choice A: You can react big, match the energy of your toddler, put down your foot and strap your toddler in the car. Your toddler will scream the entirety of the ride, fall asleep about 5 minutes from the party, and wake up a complete mess.

Choice B: You can utilize your tools and remain emotionally constant, model emotional regulation and co-regulate with your kiddo. You end up about 15 minutes late to the party, but your toddler is happy and you both enjoy the time about. But before we continue this conversation, go support the sponsor we love today, here’s a quick ad for them.

Let's opt for choice B 😅. Emotional constancy involves being emotionally consistent and predictable in how you manage your heightened emotional states, as well as in how you support your child during those moments.

Neuroscience shows that being in a heightened emotional state often puts your brain into survival mode. This mode triggers the fight or flight. However, when supporting our children with regulation, being in a survival state isn't ideal. Instead, we aim to be in a state that allows us to make smart choices and well-planned decisions.

Remember to model for your child. If you're not demonstrating the behaviors you expect from them and showing them how it's done, how will they learn? Lead by example. Every moment with your child presents a teaching opportunity. Whenever you utilize a strategy, practice, or model behavior, you're exposing them to that process. Your child learns by observing and mimicking.

Achieving emotional constancy for your child requires some preliminary self-reflection. It's important to recognize your own triggers and understand what leads you to experience heightened emotions. Once you've identified your triggers, take a moment to explore the narratives you create about the behaviors or reactions that set you off. Keep in mind that it's not about your child's actions causing your emotions, but rather the stories you tell yourself in response to those actions.

I asked my partner to put away their clothes. I left the laundry basket on their side of the bed, and for two days, the basket gets moved to the floor and then right back on the bed. It’s starting to cause some tension because the story I’m telling myself is, “They don’t respect me as a partner.” or “They don’t listen to me. They don’t hear me, right?” It’s the story that I’m telling myself about that trigger that is causing this internal heightened emotional state.

You might be wondering, “Ok, now what? How do I show up emotionally constant?” There are a few areas I focus on when I need to remain emotionally constant, especially when I feel myself getting triggered by my toddler's emotionally heightened state.

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